Dearest Syrup of Figs Flavoured Monster Munchers
We hope you have had a delightful week at the storm-resistant premises of Orchard Manor.
Quite windy and wet by all accounts, much like our own 'Shamus McBrasshandle's' impression of the Moldovian Blue tailed Pigeon's mating routine - quite illuminating in a biological sort of way! But certainly wet with a good measure of wind!
We have had a fairly mundane week at Randomland HQ, only the weekly marble snorting competition at the 'Kings Toenail' pub being anything of note and only because Fergus 'Elephant Nose' Smythe managed to get his 403 marbles stuck during the first round and spent the next hour sitting in the car park with a pressure washer blasting into his other nostril.
So, to tonight's Super Prize Draw.
We start this November evening with an edible masterpiece that will tantalise your taste buds. Chocolate....but not any old bar. This is 'Lindt. Excellence ... Orange Intense' and as the wrapper explains; Made from oranges hand reared in the small yard of a bedsit in Bromsgrove, grown in a two-man hikers' tent, picked during a full moon and lovingly dissected by a retired NHS surgeon, added to creamy Welsh cocoa pods, mixed with fermented squirrel's milk, then baked at 456 degrees Celsius, before cooling and delicately sprinkled with a fine dusting of Unicorn horn......delicious and to be unwrapped by Laura!
Number two...its Tin of the Week and this week a truly multipurpose compilation of the finest beans one can obtain,; Green beans from Ireland, Red kidney beans from Russia, Black eyed beans from 'CJ's bean and boxing emporium', Borlotti beans from Borlotti in Dorset and Haricot beans from the paddy fields of Western-Super-Mare, mixed and allowed to mature in Oak casks for 15 years, canned and exported to you, this tin of 'Mixed Bean Salad' is, as it says 'Firm and Tangy', is that how you feel Karen?
The third prize tonight is a sticky double act... you could put that photo up on the wall, wrap that last minute gift, plug the hole in the radiator, kidnap the encyclopaedia salesman and secure him to the garden gate or .....well, the options are endless. It's a pack of Original Blu-Tac and a roll of genuine Sellotape. Will get you into all sorts of sticky situations, might it not, Florrie?
Its Gadget of the Week time! Something that will open more than your eyes, especially useful for Mixed Bean Salad or similar tins, forged by the dark elves of middle-earth, made from tin mined by Dwarves in the mountains of Holland, this sparkling 'Excalibur' of the kitchen will go down in the annuls of history as slaying more tins than any double-headed war axe, released from the rock by Harry!
And ... so ... to Tonight's Star Prize.
This comes with a backstory... Following a previous prize won this year, we received distant smoke signals relaying the desire to replicate said prize by a multitude, to allow one of your hard-working and caring Teaching Assistants to give a wonderous gift to one of the family. So we offer 4 sets of high quality, fully RNLI approved swimming arm bands... Why you ask....?
So now the member of staff can use the 8 arm bands to help their octopus (who unfortunately, was born with a phobia of water), to develop self-confidence when swimming in the sea. So ... Freya if you feel this prize may benefit another more than you, then all you have to do is find which member of staff has a pet octopus - easy-peasy!
So there we are my lovely, not too random, human peoples. The draw is complete for this week.
We hope you will tune in next time and wish all of you the very best for the coming days.
Bespoke cuddles and made to measure kisses.